I’ve never liked specific goals much. Setting and staying
focused on a narrow path to a specific goal always grated against my nature.
What if something easier and more fulfilling comes along? What if I discover
the goal wasn’t really what I wanted after all? And then there’s the reality
that until I reach my goal, I haven’t succeeded.
It has made more sense to me, and been much more effective, to recognize the
good and the bad in life and in myself and then to set up routines to decrease
the bad and increase the good. Below are
those desires and tactics to work toward them.
Things
I want more of (Desire and then Tactics to reach it)
1.Warmth
See God in everyone- I hate to use the heavily loaded name “God” but it
resonates with more people than not. To deconstruct the word God into the
purpose of this guideline, it means to make the effort to see perfection,
beauty, goodness in everyone. Even the most rotten people have fragments of
these characteristics. By exercising your ability to find these positive characteristics you free yourself from quick
and shallow judgments about others that lead to derision, anger, fear and other
negative emotions and actions. And you may even feel warmth and express warmth to them.
Know God is in you- It helps if you do the same thing with yourself! How often do you think “That was stupid!”
after you do or say something? Does that work? Instead, notice the miraculous about you! Appreciate all
the good you do and the differences you make in the world. Be proud of how complex, competent and
powerful you are, even before you do anything. Our minds and our bodies are
astounding. I’m not encouraging grandiosity; you want to be cognizant of your
weaknesses. But knowing you are, in essence, a wonderful person makes it easier
to soberly assess your dark side as well.
2. Confidence
Mental Risk-taking-
Because we are miraculous beings, we have the ability to rehearse. Terrified of
confronting your boss? Rehearse it. But contrary to common advice, picture the
confrontation going badly instead of perfectly.
(The shadow side of this is “ballooning” in the Less Fear section). Imagine your boss screaming, running around
the room, then grabbing you and tearing off one of your arms, etc. Your initial terror will seem ridiculous and
melt away. (BTW, if that reaction seems
likely from your boss, quit immediately.)
Then imagine your interaction going perfectly as you would wish it to
be. Finally, to make your confrontation
more likely to happen, settle on a first step, a trigger from which it will be difficult to retreat, such as “Boss,
we need to talk”.
Preparedness-
Do your homework! Get advice. Practice practice practice.
When I was in elementary school I was very small and attractive fodder for
bullies. One guy in particular would sneak up behind me and put me in a choke
hold, which was terrifying. I hated going to school. I found an ad in one of my
comic books for a self-defense course so I sent off my dollar bill (yes, this
was a long time ago!). I studied the course which, lo and behold, included
detailed instructions for disabling someone choking you from behind. With no
one to practice on, I just went thru the motions over and over again. The next
time he tried to choke me I bent my knees, which caused him to bend over me,
off balance. I reached back with both hands, grabbed his coat and then thrust
up with my legs while yanking hard on his coat.
To my astonishment he flew upside down over my head and landed badly on
the concrete. That’s the most powerful I
had ever felt.
Focus on benefits
Even the most virtuous, pleasureful pursuits can involve hard work and
undesirable tasks. To tackle those and stick with them, think of them as
inseparable from the positive. You’re
doing those squats and pushups so you don’t get hurt skiing. You’re grinding
through that Spanish vocabulary so your vacation will be more fun and relaxing. Etc.
Remember past successes
My bully tossing experience has stuck with me all these years and given me
boosts thru difficult times.
3. Strength
Practice
Training
Coaching
4. Unbending Intent
Relax- the 4/5 rule. I remember a
study of sprinting athletes. Conventional wisdom is that you exert yourself
110%, right? But professional sprinters
actually ran faster if they scaled back their effort by 20%. That additional exertion apparently was
emotional and took energy away from the sprint.
Acting without expecting reward. Make it about the quality of the journey, not the destination. Isn’t this contrary to all the motivational advice we read daily that you need to be constantly focused on goals? Acting without reward communicates confidence & lack of neediness to others.
Build your mood- View your emotional state as just another source of data, along with your intellect and other senses. It should inform, but not control, your actions. Take the necessary steps to create the mood, i.e. emotional state, you prefer.
5. Friendship
Schedule time- Some people claim they have hundreds of friends. But real friendship takes time and intention.
Draw out positives- Nobody’s perfect. Focus on what fascinates you about the people you like being around.
Disappear, to be more present- To a certain extent, have no wants or
needs. Focus on the other person
100%. It’s a rare and appreciated experience
for anyone.
6. Security
Principles-Do the Right Thing
Be prepared
Care for the Golden Goose
Sharpen the saw- re Stephen Covey. Keep your basic skills honed and up to
date.
